In July, i made a decision that worsened my life, indefently. How i wish i could go back and scream and shake myself. Maybe slap myself a couple times.
After me and moose met up in February, he was depressed. Me, being a paranoid and self absorbed piece of shit, began thinking that his interest in me was waning. That maybe he saw something he didnt like. I tried to listen to his denial of this, but once the wheels in my sick head turns, i can do nothing. In my brain, I began to think of a million things he'd probably rather be doing, people he'd rather be talking to. I felt alienated, and afraid of the bond and love that i had for him. And sooner or later, i became so miserable, so awful, so painful to be around that later on, there were people he'd rather be around.
I guess you can say i began fulfilling everything i prophisized.

Sometime, another friend of Adam and I became, in his words, best friends. I dont really know what his idea of a best friend is, but I was eager and happy to have another friend. He always went out of his way to talk to me. It honestly makes me uneasy to recollect anything about him so i will be vague.

i cheated on my boyfriend. i failed myself. i wanted to be a good person. i failed myself and other people.
i just went along with what this random person who i havent even spoken to for a year, wanted, let myself be taken in by his bullshit, and stopped listening to reason. i just was so desperate for someone to love me, even though i don't know anything about it. I am a sorry, disgusting, pathetic person.

i wanted so badly to forget. when he left i was relieved. but it will never change the damage. i dont want to rememebr. it makes me sick.

i am dealing with the aftermath. moose is so kind enough to speak to me still, though he is hurt and angry and betrayed.


where do i go from here? well. honestly i want to die. i betrayed someone who made life worth looking forward to, so theres nothing for me to do now. i have no desire. when i leave work, all i can do is distract myself and fail, going into panic attacks and fighting the urge to bang my head against something until i bleed, or cut my wrists. i cry and scream into my pillow. i try to pretend that i am in the past before this happened. i hug my pillow and pretend i am hugging a person. then i get up for work, put on make up and act like nothing transpired. i am exhausted. but i deserve it all and worse, possibly.