Cold.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

 What the hell did I do all weekend?
Nothing. Literally.  All I want to do, is be in bed and drown in covers and eat. There’s nothing that feels better..nothing feels as secure and happy. Although, no matter how much time I spend being lazy, when I get up I still feel tired and groggy. I think my exhaustion..is one that can’t be cured by sleep or downtime, but maybe by just changing how I am. I’ve been down for so long that the thought of being happy and content seems so foreign to me. I’m either sad, anxious, defeated, or scared of being negative and starting all over again. I’m only 19, but I feel like a washed up 30 year old man. Sometimes, I just feel like giving the fuck up because there are no redeeming qualities about me; try as I might, I just can’t seem to get out of this..hole. The thing is though, I’ll never give up. Not now..not ever. If I give up, then I don’t have anything. This is going to pass. I just need to snap out of things.
Anyway, Engjell slept over last night. I didn’t want to wake up at all. I feel so much better when he’s by my side. I just want to be better for him, for my family and for my self.
This  needs to stop. Now.