There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Work was good. I feel like I can just do my job with ease. No panic. No worry. I can say work was the usual. I came home pretty early. Today was the usual as well. Ate, played Neptunia for a bit then watched some TV. Days repeat over and over, but my head continues to spin with thoughts. It’s funny because back then, last year, I would come home from school..Belleville. What an ordeal that was. I would come home and it was warm and sunny. I’d feel happy, but then I’d remember my situation, and cry. Looking back, it’s so painful. Not because of what I went through. Even though I was all alone, I was okay, but because what happened back then is nothing compared to now. I wanted out. I wanted to get out so badly. I thought, “when school was over, I’ll be happy, for sure!.” I was so excited. So many plans. So many good thoughts. Now look at me. I can’t allow myself to be happy, can’t I? Today, just like last year, I sat and cried. Because what I was looking forward to, is different from reality. I’m stuck in this horrid train of thought, and it sucks any happiness I have. I want a simple carefree life. I can’t even enjoy a nice, quiet day anymore. I am the obstacle to this desire.  It’s nobodies fault, but my own.
I am rotting.
There is hope though. This hope is my only light. I can’t give up. I can’t let my shitty negativity make me give up. Every time I start to think bad, I need to pray. This is the only way.