The Struggle.

Friday, October 5, 2012

This week is over.
But my worries seem endless. I stop for moments, shake off and shake off these thoughts..until they fill my head again, as if choking my whole being. Life is different. Because of me, things seem scary and desolate.
I’m in constant fear of myself, the future, my family. Because of these thoughts, I am completely, utterly exhausted.  Emotionally unavailable.
But wait! Haven’t I been saying these same exact words over and over again for months and months? Haven’t I been in the same state of mind? It’s everyday now. Constant. A never ending cycle. Every fucking journal entry, is the same.
This is like beating a dead horse. My feelings seem eternal. The only thing that isn’t stopping me from kicking the chair and giving in is God. God is hope. God is the light at the end of the tunnel. Because I know that there is a God, I know that I’m learning a lesson, and that he will not let me suffer. He never has. I have to talk to God more. At this point, he’s all I need. He’s the only way to my happiness. I feel so completely unbalanced. Any little thing sets me off because I just can’t take anymore. The bird can’t sleep? I cry. Someone compliments me? I cry. I cry for everything but at the same time, I’m still lazy and careless. This is consuming me. I’m just this monster. That’s what I feel like now. I can’t be happy because the core of my being is fucked. I need to start praying more because I ‘m neglecting things even more now.

…Now for the good things? Today, Engjell came over. Yet again, I felt awkward, but he always seems to make me laugh and fall back into him. We had a little bit of  an argument. To make a painfully long story short, my mom brings up sex, she tells me that before I do anything, I must tell her because we tell each other everything and she needs to get me prepared. When she said this, she meant for the future; there’s no way in hell that she’d want me having sex now. And there is no way in hell I’ll even mention it. I told Engjell and he was really disappointed, which made me disappointed..and angry. Angry because I knew that if I was by myself, I would feel this way. I wouldn’t feel that I had to owe anyone anything. He explained that he wanted to prove himself to me, and that it felt like I was making excuses. To make things worse, he knows that I used to want John to have sex a lot but it never happened because he wanted to wait for marriage. I was like that because I was a carefree little shit and thought sex was so cool. Immaturity is pathetic. I told him that, obviously, it’s not true. He should know that he’s a huge improvement. Not to be a bitch. Anyway, we talked it out well but I started crying because, well, I knew that if I wasn’t this way, he wouldn’t have to feel like this. It’s so stupid. It’s one thing if I go through something, but it’s different if it affects someone else. By that time, it was already 9PM so he had to go. But he called me, and told me that he was sorry (for what?) and that I was first in his life. Which made me feel so happy and good. I felt wonderful. It almost felt carefree and light. I think I want to stay by this person. He makes me really happy, if only for a fleeting moment. He’s worth being with no matter what. We just make things work. That’s all there is to it.
>>>So a lot to talk about today I guess. I might go out tomorrow but I have a lot of cleaning to do. My body is calling for my bed. I can’t be bothered right now.
Goodnight.