I want happiness.
I want carelessness. I want a childlike innocence and just to go about my day with content. Happiness seems to be within reach, but it’s like my body, my head, wants to be miserable. The only problem in this life, is me. I am more negative than ever, and I feel like I’m just too cynical to be with people. I can’t make anyone happy. All I do is bother them because for some reason, I want to act coldhearted and bitchy. What’s my problem? I’ll never know. I can’t do anything right, I guess. Engjell and me had a fight because of this, because I’m just so mean and angry, and he can’t really take so much. There’s only so much pushing away a person can take, and I’m really pushing him away so much. I don’t know why I do this every time I get close to someone. I treat the people I love like shit, and tell them to leave if they don’t like it, because I can be by myself. A child who damages her toys until she is given new ones, perhaps. Only thing is, this isn’t childsplay. these are not dolls, but people, with real feelings and emotions, yet I neglect them. Is this my biggest flaw? I don’t even know because at this point, there is just so many things wrong with me. Too many to count. I feel like I’m just too lazy, and uncaring to change. I thought I did. But I guess I have to work hard. This fight stopped quickly, and we started talking again. I’m so happy. He’s so caring and I can’t believe he puts up with me. It bewilders me, in a way, how much shit he takes from me, yet he still says “I love you” when it’s time to say good bye. I’m falling for him more and more. I’m turning into this giddy school girl who dreams of weddings and futures..all over again. I thought I was done with these feelings. All it took was someone to make me fall in love again to have them come back. Funny. He also wanted me to vent to him more and stuff, and that it’s unhealthy to keep it in, but really, I couldn’t possibly burden someone this way. I’m already such a mess, I couldn’t make someone listen to me…could I? I feel ungrateful when I say this because I’m so lucky to have someone who wants to listen to me talk about stupid problems and be there for me, but I won’t accept it. I think for now, at least, I’ve got to stand on my own. God has given me a lot. But I just sit here and cry, and think dark thoughts. God takes away too, doesn’t he. I have to stop, before it’s too late.
Today I didn’t do much, I just had a lot to think about. I long for sleep. This brain needs to shut down.
Goodnight.
