Happy 4th/Thoughts.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I keep forgetting that today is 4th of July. Happy Independence day everyone.
I do talk ill of this country sometimes..but I live here and it's not horrible at all compared to what others face around the world. I have a house, food, and plenty of chances..I want to say God Bless You to all the people facing struggles in this country and everywhere else. I should be more appreciative as well. Please forgive your foolish servant, my father.
Speaking of forgiveness..I don't even know if I can attain it. I'm just sort of sick of myself. I feel like my brain is melting. I've been so hateful of myself. So confused and fucked up; I don't know what is to become of me. I just WANT TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. The me in last summer. I made mistakes and did bad sometimes, but I was me and willing to ask for forgiveness, forget, and move on. I can't seem to do this now. I keep waiting until I do something bad to start 'caring'. Like, I get all lazy and the house gets gross and bad and my mom gets so stressed out. I don't want to wait until things get bad to fix them. I need to not let things get bad. I want to be a good person. Not someone who's only good when they mess up. That's fake. That's worse than the people who do bad and are unapologetic about it. Yea, they're fucked up.. but at least they don't hide it? I just want to be a good person by default. Gosh. I'm so fucked. I can't even look at myself.
I have so much growing up to do...
~
What's worse is, today, on tumblr, I came across a petition to stop 'Animal Crush' videos in the UK. Apparently, there is some kind of fetish for watching animals being crushed and abused by a woman. These videos are extremely gruesome and cruel. I didn't watch one but I saw a few screen shots and it's probably one of the most horrible things i have ever seen. These women were smiling next to dead animals. Giving the peace sign next to a dead cat. My eyes water as I recall this. This just made me sick. It made me further realize how fucked this world can be..and how sickening people are. It really just hit me really hard and for a second, I didn't have any hope. I now realize that things can be terrible and horrid but this world isn't all bad. There are good people too. People who wouldn't stand to inflict so much pain.
It's really so sad but i can't be so naive and say FUCK THE WORLD although I want to. But not everyone is terrible. Also, i've never met someone who liked that shit so i'll take that as a really, really good thing.
~
Anyway, i don't want to end this on such a depressing note. Here's to another year, another 4th of July, and another Summer.
