The January sun is so bright. It’s a weird contrast to how I feel. Tired. Low. Withered. I wish I could say that I awoke to this bright house..but I haven’t even slept yet. I started out happy and energetic..until I got to the shower and realized that tomorrow is----then I started to go crazy. Over thinking. Again. Have I spent my week well? Why don’t I feel satisfied? I’m so…paranoid. Fuck. A part of me is relieved that I have one more year to be a simple, young highschool student. That part is very small though. The whole of me is nervous and scared of that place. Why? I really wish I didn’t feel this way. No more. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Enough already. I just don’t want to feel like this. I want to be happy & confident in that place. Am I asking for too much? Can I really do it? Fuck this. I’m really losing my mind. I’m so nervous. I don’t want to go back. I wanna sleep forever. I don’t want to walk around like a fucking wounded animal and flinch every time someone even looks at me. I don’t want to overanalyze everything I do. I don’t want to see any of you. Bring my work at my door and leave me alone. Damn it all. Why am I so scatterbrained? So..dramatic. I don’t want to become everything I hate. I need to be fixed. I need to sleep. I’m thinking way too much.
Dying..what’s it like? If it’s anything like sleep then..I would embrace it. But really, I have to keep living. I've given up too many times. Life is a gift. I have a roof over my head and then some. So I guess I complaining means nothing. I need to be stronger. I hope I can do this. Wish me luck for tomorrow. Wish me luck for the rest of my life. Little by little, I will change. I will.
Now that this is out of my brain.
I’m shutting everything off.
And going to sleep.
